Jokes

I make my own.

 

Not asking you. xD

 

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get the the second hand shop.

 

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

 

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

 

Where do one-legged people eat?

IHOP.

 

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."

"So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.

"One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."

The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

 

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.

 

There are so many jokes, wanna share them on the IRC?

Also,
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

EDIT: I found another one!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

 

You must of feel from heaven cause thats explains your face is so messed up.

 

2 guys walk on a bridge. a witch comes up to them and says "what ever you say, you will turn into that item." the first guy goes "Eagle" and turns into an eagle and flys away. the 2nd guy looks and him and goes "shit" and turns into shit.

a guy walks into a bar and see's a jar of money. he aks the bartender what the money is for. the bartender replies "my friend is very sad , if you can cheer him up you can take the money. so he goes into the back room , and seconds later comes out. the bartender hears his friend laughing. the guy takes the money and walks out. 2 weeks later the guy comes back and see's another jar of money. he asks what its for. the bartender reples "my friend is laughing so much now I cant get him to calm down , im giving the money to the person who can get him to stop laughing. so the guy goes back in there and a second alter comes out and the guy quit laughing. the bartender asked him what he did. the guy replies "when I first went in there I told him I had a bigger dick than him. the 2nd time I proved it."

sorry its inapropiate :3

 

I'm a joke

 

Men insult each other and don't really mean it...While women compliment each other and don't really mean it.

 

Larry the Cable Guy